I have been avoiding writing this post because I do not want to have to admit how disappointed I am in myself. These last few days were a true test of my strength and I feel like I failed. Wednesday was seriously as perfect as I day can get - I got amazing support from Geaux Crossfit, I finished a WOD I never thought I would be able to do and I was feeling so happy and confident...
On Thursday and Friday I had to deal with some stress and I immediately wanted to turn to food...for my entire life that is what I did when I was in a tough situation. I knew in my heart that what I needed most was to get to Geaux Crossfit on Friday to exercise...that always makes me feel better. But when I checked out the WOD for Friday I about had a panic attack - it was a team exercise. One person had to do one thing while the other did something else and then you switched. You couldn't switch until both people were done. I am not exaggerating when I say that I just about stayed up all night in a panic about the WOD...I could just picture everyone else done and my poor partner having to wait because I couldn't keep up. When it is a regular WOD I understand that I will probably finish last...but to make someone else have to finish last too..I just couldn't do it. My alarm went off and I could not make myself get out of bed to go in. :(
My eating on Friday started off pretty good - I totally wanted to eat something not so paleo-friendly though. I usually eat when I get to work and on Friday morning I brought Max (my puppy) into the Petz Plaza to get groomed. He came out looking great thanks to fellow Crossfitter and groomer Paige...but I almost lost it and stopped at NY Bagel. In my mind I was thinking f--- it...you already didn't exercise so you might as well eat a bagel too..I was feeling sorry for myself. I actually pulled into the parking lot and argued with myself for a good 5 minutes...no one will ever know..its just one time...blah blah blah...luckily I came to my senses and left before going into the store....
Yesterday I spent baking Father's Day treats with the kids - cinnamon cake for their daddy, lemon cake for their Abu, pineapple cake for their grandpa and banana cream pie for our neighbor! I know it probably sounds like torture to spend the day baking things that I cannot eat but really, I am fine...as long as no chocolate is involved!
Sometimes I get really overwhelmed about eating...I think, holy shit I will never be able to eat a bagel again...or a cheeseburger on a bun...or cake....or I get so sick of all of the prep work. I just want to be able to grab something to eat like everyone else. I told my mum the other day that I felt like diet coke was on sale everywhere just because I can't drink it...or Mc Donalds and their damn rolo ice cream sundaes? Seriously..that sounds like a dream come true. I really try so hard to just concentrate on 30 days at a time. That seems more doable...11 days until the the end of the paleo challenge. I can do it. I have a vacation and wedding to go to next week..I just have to concentrate on that vacation and not think big picture....how I should eat for the rest of my life...
I finally took the time to treat myself to celebrate my success. When I started this journey, I made a list of "rewards" for myself every time I lost 10 pounds...I haven't been very good at keeping up with them though...so I decided to spend some time getting my hair done!! (special thanks to fellow dieter Keeli for introducing me to a fabulous hair stylist at Paris Parker!
I am so lucky to have a husband who supports me 100% and is willing to make sacrifices (like getting up extra early) so I can go the gym - Happy, Happy Father's Day!!
On Thursday and Friday I had to deal with some stress and I immediately wanted to turn to food...for my entire life that is what I did when I was in a tough situation. I knew in my heart that what I needed most was to get to Geaux Crossfit on Friday to exercise...that always makes me feel better. But when I checked out the WOD for Friday I about had a panic attack - it was a team exercise. One person had to do one thing while the other did something else and then you switched. You couldn't switch until both people were done. I am not exaggerating when I say that I just about stayed up all night in a panic about the WOD...I could just picture everyone else done and my poor partner having to wait because I couldn't keep up. When it is a regular WOD I understand that I will probably finish last...but to make someone else have to finish last too..I just couldn't do it. My alarm went off and I could not make myself get out of bed to go in. :(
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| Looking Good Max! |
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| It's not a bagel but it's good |
When I got to work I ate a good paleo breakfast but, man, that was a close one. Then I had an appointment on Friday that lasted from 11:30am - 5:00pm. I didn't expect it to last so long and didn't arrive prepared. There were no paleo-friendly snacks. On the way home I was feeling light headed and had to stop. I went to Taco Bell and ate as paleo as I could - just meat, veggies, and tomatoes..and I was almost immediately sick....my stomach was still crampy and awful the next morning! Yuck! It was an awful way to end a tough day.
Yesterday I spent baking Father's Day treats with the kids - cinnamon cake for their daddy, lemon cake for their Abu, pineapple cake for their grandpa and banana cream pie for our neighbor! I know it probably sounds like torture to spend the day baking things that I cannot eat but really, I am fine...as long as no chocolate is involved!
Sometimes I get really overwhelmed about eating...I think, holy shit I will never be able to eat a bagel again...or a cheeseburger on a bun...or cake....or I get so sick of all of the prep work. I just want to be able to grab something to eat like everyone else. I told my mum the other day that I felt like diet coke was on sale everywhere just because I can't drink it...or Mc Donalds and their damn rolo ice cream sundaes? Seriously..that sounds like a dream come true. I really try so hard to just concentrate on 30 days at a time. That seems more doable...11 days until the the end of the paleo challenge. I can do it. I have a vacation and wedding to go to next week..I just have to concentrate on that vacation and not think big picture....how I should eat for the rest of my life...
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| New Hair!! |
Soo..it is time for me to focus on this new week. The end of last week was an emotional one for me but it is over now. As I sit here eating a snack of blueberries and cashew butter I am going to remind myself that just a few months ago, when I was 40+ pounds heavier, I would have been eating junk food without even thinking about my health or the health of my children. That is what I will focus on to get through another day.
I am so lucky to have a husband who supports me 100% and is willing to make sacrifices (like getting up extra early) so I can go the gym - Happy, Happy Father's Day!!
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| AFTER BREAKFAST SWIM, FATHER'S DAY 2011 |
bad weeks happen. for me...bad months. and then some. proud of you for leaving that parking lot! taco hell makes me sick too. no matter what i eat. their beans have lard in them. and who knows what's up with the meat. it just always makes me ill. hope you all have a great day! keep up the great work! 40+ pounds is an incredible achievement, bethany!
ReplyDeleteI think from your perspective, it looks like a terrible week of failure. But I see it as a major accomplishment! You conquered the bagel store, which is NOT easy! You ordered Taco Bell yes, but you were conscious of choosing Paleo-ish foods- you COULD have ordered much worse!!! Yes, you skipped a WOD out of fear. But now you can look back on how you felt after missing it, and then next time there's a partner WOD, you may just brave it and get 'er done. Or, resist looking at the WOD ahead of time.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya on the partner WOD- I dread those, but feel better when I've finished, even if we're last. And it seems my CF is doing more and more partner/group WODs. Yikes!
I have had some medical issues come up and have been stress eating as a result. I have fallen so far off the Paleo wagon, I can't even see it as it drives away in the sunset. I hope to regain the momentum I had with my Paleo success. I need to just move on from my guilt at self-sabotage and just start.
Ease up on yourself, don't beat yourself up, and relish in your continued successes. This is a new way of life for you, so a day missed or a meal unplanned will not matter in the grand scheme of things! Great job to you on keeping it up! I am continually inspired by you!!
Barbara
I have the same fears about the team WOD. I forced myself to go to class today even though I was so nervous about the fact that it was a team exercise. I'm only on my fourth class, so I know I'll be slow with no matter who I'm partnered with. I was partnered with someone half my age, and I felt terrible that he had to shoulder the majority of the workout. I think it will get better as long as I don't give up. It was so refreshing to read your post because sometimes you give up out because you feel like you're the only one who must feel this way. Thank you for inspiring me to keep going! And, yes, I am an emotional eater also. It's both a mental and physical hurdle to get over, but I know it's possible to reach my goal....and I know you will too because I can tell you have just as much inner determination.
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