I haven't really been talking about it much, but I am not very motivated about my diet/eating paleo. I have actually been feeling like I am living life as a fraud - people come up to me and tell me that my story is motivating to them...I want to stop them to tell them that I am the one that needs the motivation. I am sick of it all...why does my relationship with food have to be so difficult? It's been over a year and food is still such a struggle for me. Sometime I watch the show Intervention and think that I could be on it...only my drug of choice is food. I understand when the alcoholic talks about their first thought the moment they wake up is when they will get to have their first drink....sometimes I am not even out of bed and I am already struggling with what I will eat that day.
eating grapefruit = no risk
When I am eating paleo I seriously feel so much better - my energy, my stomach, my workouts, even my spirit are all better. But that is not always enough motivation. Sometimes I just don't want to care or have to think about it anymore....I think this is really when the addiction comes in. I like to think I would never do anything that I know would seriously harm myself. I have never lived my life as a big risk taker - skydiving? not interested. Bungee jumping? nope. What about swimming with sharks? Not a chance. But poisoning myself by eating foods that will not only cause me eventual harm - diabetes, cholesterol issues but will also just generally make me feel like shit after I eat them...that is something I could do...even something I sometimes want to do. I am actually scared to go into a drug store right now because I know Easter candy is going to be on sale. I don't think I could walk by and not buy some. I feel a bit pathetic that I don't have that will power... Thank God they have pharmacy drive thrus!
Driving by Walgreens...
I cannot stress enough how big of a role Geaux Crossfit plays into my success in my quest to become healthy. This morning Amber (once again) gave me some advice and words of encouragement that I think will help me through this most recent struggle. She told me that no one is meant to live their life on a 30 day challenge..which is what I have been doing recently. I need to find my healthy eating balance and work with that. I know it sounds so simple but they are the words I needed to hear. Sometimes I can get so bogged down with the guilt of feeling like a fraud that it makes me want to stop fighting for my health.
Friday night p-a-r-t-y ! !
For the first time in a very long time, I went out on Friday night (without the kids!!) and took a deep breath and relaxed. It took some major coaxing from Amber but I did it. Spending time with the Geaux Crossfit family outside of the gym seems to be almost as important of spending it in the gym. I would consider most of them acquaintances at best..but I have to say they are an amazing support system. I hope that anyone who decides to get healthy can find a group of people as kind and supporting to lift you up when you need it and to celebrate your victories. I am so incredibly thankful!