Friday, May 6, 2011

Days 46 and 47 aka that feeling in the pit of my stomach

The last two days have been pretty average.  I have not been to Geaux Crossfit since Wednesday - Abby didn't feel well and Luke was up at 1:30am ready to celebrate his birthday so I just did not have the energy.  I pretty much regretted that decision all day though....I know that every workout I miss means another step away from my goal of being healthy.

my amazing mom made a great dinner!
My mum surprised me with a fabulous paleo dinner before we went to the carnival...that way I wasn't hungry when we got there so there was no shoving in fried dough like usual.  She made paleo style stuffed peppers with a yummy salad on the side.  None of us partook in carnival family loves carnival food...yet we still resisted.

Yesterday was my day of work in the lovely Arnaudville- an AMAZING rural town in Louisiana that is doing unbelievable work in the arts - mostly because of the dedication of local artist George Marks.  He was our host during our visit and made sure we had what my colleagues tell me was a delicious lunch - sandwiches with pork and figs and pralines made with cane syrup.  Before we left Baton Rouge, I ate ham and eggs and that helped me make it through lunch.  I listened to my body and realized I wasn't hungry.  I am usually on a schedule when I eat - lunch at 11:30am and I think that I am eating lunch more because it is time to eat and less because I am hungry.  I decided to keep from eating until I felt like I needed something - so I didn't eat any of it.  I actually didn't feel hungry until 3:30pm.  I had about a tablespoon of almond butter and that kept me feeling good until dinner time.

Okay so it's confession time.  I am afraid that I have reached the point in my new eating regime that seems to be happens every time - with Weight Watchers, Atkins, TOPS, Weight Watchers always happens.  I have some success and feel motivated and good about it for about a month and then it sort of fizzles out.  I feel like I am done.  I've had enough.  I am sick of thinking about what I eat and worrying about if it is healthy or not...I am sick of getting the dirty looks from waitstaff and being "that person" who has a list of demands when ordering...I am sick of having to turn down food - the donuts in the work kitchen, the ice cream sandwiches during staff appreciation...birthday cake...frozen yogurt...I could go on and on.

why me why me why me
I really am trying to get out of this sucks and I knew it was going to's the why me phase?  Why can't I be one of those people who can eat whatever they want and still look great?  Why didn't I start exercising regularly in high school so I was fit when I began adulthood?  Why me?  Why?  And it is pretty tough to focus on dieting and exercise when you feel bad about yourself.  It's like, for a few days there I really thought this might be it.  This might be the time that I get my life together and get healthy.  But now I am not so is such a long battle.  I have lost over 20 pounds and my clothes are almost beginning to fit right again - I don't need to buy a whole new wardrobe because what I was wearing for the last 6 months was at least two sizes two small for me to begin with.  I've worked so hard but am still so far from being happy with what I see in the mirror.

I always have great family and friend support when I am trying to get healthy and I still manage to fall short.  My only glimmer of hope is Geaux really is more than a gym and I know that the staff there is willing to stand next to me (and sometimes push me forward) during this journey.

I have to start thinking of ways to improve this experience and I know my first promise to myself - I MUST start preparing for the week of eating like I did in the beginning - I have been neglecting that which really sets me up for failure.  I have to research some new recipes - there are thousands of paleo recipes online.  It is only my fault for growing tired of my menu....and I need to go to Geaux Crossfit at least three times a week - no excuses.  I need to start trying to go even more often because I know that, on the days I go, I feel better and more motivated about getting healthy.  I also need to go back to documenting every one of my meals.  When I photograph and describe everything I eat, I will make better choices.

Sooo yes, I am very aware that I am just about to hit the brick wall of this diet and lifestyle change.  But I have a plan...usually I just try to ignore it until it is too late.  Maybe, for the first time in life, I will be able to get through this phase and move even closer to success.  I guess I will have to wait to see what tomorrow brings!  13 days until my second 30 day commitment is done!


  1. Bethany, I just wrote you a super-long comment that blogspot ate. It's getting late, and my brain is beginning to shut down for the night, so here's a summary:

    - you're right, it stinks
    - arrggghhhhh, I really dislike that, too
    - it's not demanding when you request something and pay for it. If you tried to buy a blue shirt and the store gave you red, would that be okay? Nope, because you're the paying customer.
    - copy some positive comments from your previous blog posts to a document, then carry it around with you to look at when you're getting sick of it all
    - you deserve a reward! Maybe some new jewelry or haircut/color or whatever floats your boat?

    As for the brick wall coming up, the Bethany whose blog I read would vault it. :D

  2. I hear ya lady, I get in that same funk sometimes.

    Here is what I suggest. Sit with your coach at GC. Pick a set of goals to achieve in the gym. For example - a sub 2 minute row, a 150 pound deadlift, and an unassisted pullup. And for the next couple of months, don't even think about losing weight. Think about your three goals. Think about how everything you're doing is helping you achieve that fast row, strong lift, and pullup.

    That mindset is what helped me finally finally start chasing performance instead of just being skinny. Because the funny thing is that when you chase performance in the gym, your body composition follows. It's just a nice little perk of all the work you're putting in.

    Write 'em down and stick em in your wallet!